Gome of the Week
If this is all an act, it is the most boring act I've ever seen.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Dinosaurs Fucking Robots - They sure are.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
A Boy and His Dog (1975)
I have watched my share of poor-quality VHS tapes in my day, but while watching this one, I had something happen that I had never experienced before: it skipped.
About halfway through this post-apocalyptic tale of a sex-crazed fuckwad and his talking dog, the same 90-second (or so) scene played twice in a row. At first it was hard to tell, because the transfer was so bad that I could barely make out what was happening in this flick at all. But, it happened. So yeah. That was something.
This is not the actual cover of the tape I watched; the one I have refers to the film as "A super sexual sci-fi adventure!" while this one takes the "rather kinky" route. Either way you shake it, they're way off. Unless you consider rape at gunpoint and a sperm-milking machine your idea of a good time.
Don Johnson plays Vic, a choadbag, who while roaming around the wasteland and telepathically communicating with his dog (and best friend) Blood, won't shut up about how he can't get laid. In the meantime, his talking dog is starving to death. Yeah, he's your cookie cutter hero, alright. Anywho, he eventually gets tricked by this long-legged lady and lured from the desert locale he lives in to the "downunder," which inexplicably has a sky. He has to leave his dog, who is hurt and hungry. He ends up being hooked to the aforementioned sperm-milking machine for reproductive purposes, then set free by the same woman who tricked him into becoming the unwilling seed donor (she's highly apologetic). When they arrive back up in the desert, his dog is starving and near death, desperately in need of food.
When his lady friend says that it's too late to save Blood, he gives her an incredulous look and the screen goes black. When it fades back in, there's a campfire, no sign of the chick, and Blood is well fed. And the boy and his dog walk off into the sunset together. Now that's an ending.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Scarlet - Scarlet (1983)
I almost didn't cough up the three bucks for this at the record store the other day, but I'm glad I did. First off, when I got it home, I realized it had been autographed in red ballpoint pen by all of the members of the band. You can only see it if you tilt it next to a light source. But before I got it home, I noticed that track one on side two was called "Youth In Asia." That sealed the deal.
Other hot track titles: "She Taste Like Metal" (no typo there on my part), "She's A Stud," and "Your Face or Mine." Lead singer Evan Baisden is credited with "Lead Vocals, Backing Vocals, Acoustic Guitar on 'Bated Breath', Whip." If that wasn't good enough, I checked inside the sleeve, and there it was: an insert with the full lyrics printed on it. Gold.
From "Your Face or Mine": "Really now my pet how could you even be upset/ Our oral contract was so well defined/ Can't you take a hint I even paid your three months rent/ You'll follow orders I shall assign". Now that's good stuff. The song "Youth In Asia" is straight up awesome, and I'm pissed we didn't have this record back in the early 90's. We could have had our anthem written for us.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
ass groove - A sweet way to describe the indentation your butt makes on your favorite couch spot.
Origin - Homer Simpson, fat lazy guys everywhere.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I am striking out with the cougs."
"Well dude, sitting around and playing Conker's Bad Fur Day on Nintendo 64 should take care of that."
"Seriously, dude. I can see the outline of your wallet in that ass groove you're working on."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Events That Led To You Typing "Firsties!" In the Comments
Section of a Page On the Internet:
10. Being fired from your part-time job at the cell phone accessories kiosk in the mall
09. Panicky frustration brought on by waiting for your Fleshlight batteries to recharge
08. Hitting the "refresh" button repeatedly on seven different celebrity gossip sites at 11AM on a Tuesday
07. The realization that you don't currently, and never have had any "RL" friends
06. A three-hour crying-into-a-shoplifted-cake session
05. The sad fact that you have to meticulously duct tape five long-handled small mirrors together to get a clear look at your shriveled genitals
04. That one time your dad asked you if you were "one a 'dem fruitcakes"
03. Your unrequited love for one of the key grips you caught a glimpse of on the Special Features of Battlestar Galactica: Season Two
02. The strain of constantly hiding your dirty little secret: you're a dude who wears a sports bra
01. You just wanted to feel like a winner!
Cancel One Career