Gome of the Week
Police confiscated $1.2 million worth of drugs at a Phish reuinion show over the weekend. Now don't get me wrong, I dislike Phish fans as much as the next guy, but come on. Come on. Don't the cops have anything better to do than taking acid off the tongues of some trust fund kids who don't have any higher aspirations than hearing a 30-minute version of "You Enjoy Myself"?

Fuckin' pigs, man.

That's what those Phisheads were probably saying to themselves as they watched the dashboard of the police cruiser explode into a kaleidoscope of lights.



This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Beard Revue - I'm back in beard mode, and this site reminds me that it's time to step my game up.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The Class of Miss MacMichael (1978)

In case it wasn't crystal clear, that title has a dual meaning. Very clever, I know.

A reviewer on IMDb has dubbed this the "worst movie ever made," in their humble opinion, but that seems a little harsh. I think the video release people may have made a mistake by comparing it to Stand and Deliver, because while it does take place in a school for ruffians, the teachers here never get through to the kids, who are witless assholes throughout the entire film.

I kept waiting for the montage where the kids clean up their shithole of a school, but instead, they spend their time banging each other, whipping out their dicks, and smoking reefer. That, combined with their heavy British accents, made for some good comedy in parts, especially when a girl attaches a mousetrap to the wang of the dude who keeps taking it out for everyone's enjoyment.

In the end, this is another one of those films where they can't decide if it's a drama or a comedy, and it ends up wallowing in the middle and never finding any direction. But, I think I actually liked it overall. 1978 in the UK made for some sweet fashion statements, with a lot of the kids looking like they'd fit right in at a modern-day dirty rock show. I would have welcomed more liberal use of the phrase "bollocks," but you can't win 'em all. And they may have thrown it in there; I was having a hard time deciphering some of the accent-heavy schoolyard slang.

My rating: three crumpets and a half of a "piss off!"



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
John Wolfe - Sell Like an Ace... Live Like a King! (1962)

In my frequent forays through the half-dollar bins at my local record stores, I'll sometimes come across a record that is almost 50 years old and seems to never have been touched. This is one of those. The record is brand new, and it still has the read-along 30-page booklet inside the sleeve. Fantastic.

This record was produced by the Success Motivation Institute, and they promise to help you understand why "some salesmen are ACES...others deuces." The card-talk doesn't end there. This entire system is based around the different suits. You "start with spade." (None of these make sense.) Next, you "hit 'em in the heart." Then, when demonstrating, you "deal in diamonds." If they're still around, to "clinch the close," you "cushion 'em with a club."

Did you get all that? Yep, it's simple enough. My favorite section is where they teach you how to trick the Prospect into signing a contract: "Don't make a big production out of it. Just say: 'Right here, if you will please,' and hand Mr. Prospect your pen. As long as you avoid the word 'signature,' usually you're all right."

I really would have been the worst 60's sales guy ever. Though I am interested in living like a king... I'm going to try the "Yes-But Gambit" at the next possible opportunity.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
undercover like a Dutch oven - A sweet way to describe someone practicing the fine art of sneakery.

Origin - I'm seriously running out of ideas here.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Where have you been for the last few nights? We were supposed to bro down."

"Dude, I've been around. You know, just getting my chillax on."

"Dude, you're like The Shadow."

"Dude, let's just say I keep it undercover like a Dutch oven."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Best Things About This Shitty Economy:

10. I've been able to do things with prostitutes that I could never have afforded a few years back
09. I'm constantly taking advantage of eBay deals from people who are like, starving or whatever
08. The prices on black market kids have never been lower, and I've been looking for someone to boss around
07. I was able to use a half-eaten Zagnut bar as collateral for a jet ski loan the other day
06. Against all odds, my butt plug stocks continue to rise
05. Business couldn't be better for the good folks in the local Noose Fitters Union 2343
04. I find great pleasure in watching car salesmen cry
03. Infomercials seem even more predatory, and thus, more enjoyable
02. Seeing people get things taken away from them that they could never afford in the first place
01. I've decided not to institute the $175.00 yearly fee to view slyrecords.com. You guys are off the hook–for now.


Cancel One Career