Gome of the Week
Well, I spent hours scouring the deepest reaches of the internet, but I finally found it:
A picture of Lily Allen with her shirt on.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
I'mma Let You Finish - Meme o' the week, y'all!
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Matthew Blackheart: Monster Smasher (2002)
Somebody's an Evil Dead fan! If this guy were any more like Ash, things may have become litigious.
You know those Sci-Fi Channel original movies that Joel McHale makes fun of on The Soup? This is like one of those, but more funny-on-purpose. Or maybe those are intentionally campy; I've never seen one. But I have seen this. And it was awesome.
Matthew Blackheart was created by a mad scientist in the 40's who was under contract from FDR to make a super-warrior who could defeat the mutated monsters that Hitler had fighting for him in WWII – goo-filled "bogies" that were the product of a Nazi-sympathizing scientist named Mortas. You with me so far? Blackheart became frozen in a foggy chamber in Patagonia in the late 40s (long story), then reanimated in 1999 (I think I missed the part where they explained how that happened), at which point he paddled a raft to NYC in search of modern-day monsters to gut.
It doesn't take him long to track down the slimy changelings, and in no time – with some help from his quickly-acquired sidekick Jimmy (who is really the scientist who created him in the form of a teenage kid played by Jay "Waiting by the Phone for Judd Apatow to Call Again" Baruchel) – he's chopping off monster hands and getting their yellow blood-sludge all over his killer bomber jacket.
Blackheart's confusion in regards to modern technology is played up for comical effect, and so is the fact that he's a flag-waving skirt-chaser. He pieces his past together while stabbing ghouls and pulling chicks, and eventually finds himself face-to-face with Mortas, who hasn't aged a bit since their last meeting, but has updated his goatee to a more streamlined 90's look. Blackheart defeats Mortas by halving a building-topping flag pole with his sword, sending the sharply sheared top portion (with Old Glory flapping majestically) straight down through his enemy's chest. Mortas's corpse pools into a puddle of slime that escapes into a vent, muttering something about revenge as it slithers out. Still waiting on the sequel or the TV spin-off, apparently. Who am I kidding: I'd watch the shit out of it.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Marlettes - Both Sides of the Marlettes (1982)
So I just realized that while I have the jacket for Both Sides of the Marlettes, the LP inside of it is the one from their eponymous release. Damn you, EM bargain bin!
Strangely, the record I have seems to be formatted about the same as the one that should have been in there. On the first side, this husband-wife duo does some country-pop covers that are light and easy, about as non-threatening as you can get. It's only when you flip the record over that the kilts come out and the severely traditional Scottish music rears its ugly head (see the picture of them up top there?).
Because don't we all know a lot of people who like to set down their ten-gallon hat every once in a while and pick up the bagpipes? Or enjoy a nice haggis dinner after a long day of rustlin'?
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
DBCA - A sweet way to abbreviate "don't be a cock about it."
Origin - mcenreezy.
Usage - "Oh, dude. My Walkman is dead. I better go to Batteries Plus and get some new batteries."
"Dude, you sure know where to go to get batteries."
"Dude, Batteries Plus takes care of all my battery needs. The next time I see you trying to buy batteries anywhere else, I'm going to whip these dead AA's at you."
"Jeez dude, I'll admit it: Batteries Plus is the place to go for batteries. DBCA, dude."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You Need A Hobby:
10. You know all the words to the Juiceman infomercial
09. Yesterday you spent nine hours watching your pet turtle not move
08. The woman you're stalking was all like, "You should get a hobby."
07. That Spider-Man walkie-talkie you call a ham radio ain't fooling anybody
06. Spend most of your time watching In the House reruns and counting how many times LL Cool J licks his lips
05. You entered into a period of perennial darkness when it looked like Big Momma's House 3 might not get made
04. The fantasy curling league seemed like a great idea until you found out it didn't exist
03. Crying in your closet is not a hobby, even if you do it every day and you're getting really good at it
02. The Snap-Tite Magnum P.I. Ferrari model you got for your sixth birthday is still in its original shrink wrap
01. You always get depressed once Judge Joe Brown brings down the gavel on the final case of the day
Cancel One Career