Gome of the Week
You know who I don't care for?
Die-hard Wes Anderson fans.
Over! (stomp stomp)
Rated! (stomp stomp)
Chant it with me.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Klenginem: Eminem Remixed With A Bat'leth - What? You've never heard a dude do an Eminem song in Klingon before? And like you have to ask if he's in full Klingon garb.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Needless to say, the scene portrayed on the cover there is not in this movie.
Though this film was released in 1992, it takes place in 1986, and looks like it was filmed sometime in between. Or maybe over the course of many years, whenever the budget would allow. Either way, they got it done. And for a low-budget sci-fi flick made in the late-80's (my theory), this thing could have looked way worse.
The acting, however, was terrible. That's not shocking, and it's part of what makes movies like this so fun. This one especially. There were like 200 people in this movie, and they were all struggling to deliver their lines. It was awesome. In fact, I'll just come out and say it: this movie is awesome. It's incredibly bizarre, and features some one-liners that had me laughing hard enough to wake up my cats (sorry, dudes). One of my favorites, delivered by the main character, who is a smarmy dick: "Excuse me, General MacArthur, but I've gotta take a dump." And then the private who he was talking down to escorts him to the bathroom so he can take a dump. It's really something.
The plot here is actually more involved than you would think, but the general idea is that an alien lands near one of our military bases, worms his way into the rudimentary modems of the complex, juices himself full of information, and then brainwashes all the troops on the base to do his bidding. He is in the form of a smack-talking spaceship (seriously) which eventually becomes the head of a Voltron-esque robot that is poised to take shit over. The robot's best line: "I love America! I want to fuck America!" And he says it in a growly robot voice.
I mean, in what other movie are you going to see a giant stop-action robot profess his need to have sex with a country? This movie is for winnerz only.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Youth for Christ International Teen Teams - Teen to Teen Around the World (196?)
If you've ever spent any time digging through crates of records no one wants, you've probably come across an album or two from Word Records out of Waco, Texas. I have at least ten records from the label, and have seen tons more that I didn't buy. They were really pushing the whole Jesus thing hard for a long time there. They may still be. Who cares. What's important is that this album cover is awesome.
And though this LP is 90% songs by teens about how super chronic God is, there's a few spoken interludes that provide the real value. Specifically the second track, "A Teen Talks." Here, a young lady explains that she's just like any other teen girl (she likes "modern clothes and hamburgers"), except that her life "has been given to Jesus Christ. He owns me and I'm glad." These crazy teens and their constant yearning for independence.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
The Massengill Scale - A barometer for douche-like behavior.
Origin - EA Sports. He's a soccer hooligan.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Check out the Bro Patrol. It's like a can of Axe body spray had sex with an issue of FHM and those tight bros are what shot out of that inanimate fuck fest."
"Dude, weird theory. But that dude's Ed Hardy in-ear bluetooth caddy is really sending shockwaves up the Massengill Scale."
"Dude, I'd say he's topping out at about a 9.1, maybe 9.2."
"Dude, he's got chest stubble. And if he doesn't take those sunglasses off in the next two minutes, we may have a perfect ten on our hands."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Your Job Interview Is Not Going Well:
10. Halfway through, you realize you're wearing a neatly pressed "SHUT UP BITCH" t-shirt
09. When your potential employer offers you a cup of coffee, you say, "No thanks. Coffee gives me foamy, painful, blood-filled diarrhea."
08. You're five minutes in, and the phrase "history of random, unprovoked violence" has already come up 12 times
07. He won't admit it, but you can tell he recognizes you from that run of truck stop-themed gay porn vids you did in the wild-and-crazy 90's
06. You're trying to get a gig selling shoes, but all he wants to talk about is how the Holocaust never happened
05. The owner of the bookstore asks who your favorite author is, and you inexplicably blurt out "Mr. T"
04. You wrap up your rambling self-assessment with "But that's me: I like to hunt the elderly for sport."
03. Your sippy cup of Kool-Aid has thus far failed to lend itself to the subtle cool you had planned to exude
02. He's not buying your enthusiasm for the stringent hairnet policy
01. Everyone told you not to wear socks with your Tevas, but no, you had to go with your gut
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