Gome of the Week
For all of us who have been wondering what Seth MacFarlane could possibly bring us that would be as unfunny as American Dad, we now have our answer.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Russian Flying Fortresses - I barely understand what this is, but it's pretty sweet lookin'.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
One Man's Justice (1995)
The Boz! Does anyone younger than me even know who Brian Bosworth is? In the whole scheme of things he was really not much more than a mohawked flash-in-the-football-pan, but I suspect that if you grew up in the NW, you might remember him. He was a Seahawk, after all. But that's not why you called.
I'll just get right to it: this movie was flat-out awesome. Bosworth can't act, and the folks behind the flick must have realized that – his dialogue is kept to a minimum, while his opportunities for ass-kickery are plentiful. The reason behind all the beatings? His estranged wife and young daughter die at the hands of a small-time arms dealer when they're caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. The Boz is an army drill sergeant who specializes in crushing larynxes with his bare hands. He will also force you stab yourself with your own knife.
His daughter witnesses an arms deal, and the thugs follow her into the mini-mart where her mom is paying for gas. They shoot Boz's wife and take his daughter hostage. He drives by, sees what's happening, and storms in. He gets shot like three times, wakes up from his coma eight weeks later, watches his daughter die in the hospital, and packs his bags for some serious revenge.
The flurry of drop-kicks, neck punches, and broken fibulas that follows is really a thing of beauty. Boz's arch enemy is a dirty cop who's mixed up in the arms dealing, a nose-ringed long-hair by the name of Savak. He is a badass who kills people whenever the mood strikes him, and even though you know he's going to fall to his death from a twenty-story building at the end of the flick, it's still pretty sweet when you see it happen.
Also sweet: MC Hammer (excuse me – Hammer) as Dexter Kane, the drug kingpin who's mixed up with the arms dealers. Hammer and the Boz. Man, the mid-90's was a great era for legit cinema.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Dr. Bernie Smith - The Triumph of Calvary (196?)
The liner notes aren't clear on what sort of doctorate Mr. Smith holds, but I think it's safe to assume that it's either in eating or yelling.
These old-school evangelists seem eager to shout their way into your soul with the most grating voice imaginable, all in hopes that you will finally submit and pay them to stop.
You can actually her him sweating.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Dale Bostitute: Male Prostitute - A sweet thing to call a dude who seems like he's loosey-goosey.
Origin - Consensual man love for money.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I am going to out-bro bro patrol tonight and get myself a good ol' fashioned 'roke ho."
"Dude, you are becoming very oily."
"Dude, I am slick with the sheen of desire."
"Dude, you are Dale Bostitute: Male Prostitute."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs Your Life Is About To Become A Series Of Inconveniences:
10. Your remote control just went dead and when you looked at the battery it was like a disc-looking watch battery or some shit like that
09. The kids need to be picked up from school at 3:30, and the OTB starts taking wagers at 3 sharp
08. The seven hour jeep ride through the bumpy outback was the wrong day to take too many stool softeners
07. Your wife wants pizza, the kids want burgers, and you just want to have a cheap whore slowly extract anal beads from your rectum while she chokes you a little bit
06. The neighbor kid's on fire again, and through the slit in your blinds you can see all the bystanders pointing in the direction of your house
05. The first thing you hear when you come to is "I gotta say, it's not a bad looking body cast."
04. You finally admitted to yourself that you can't get a proper boner unless you're wearing a brand new pair of Gucci loafers
03. You're going to need a clearer definition of "Lost our first-born son in a poker game."
02. Whoever told you they let wayward teens sleep in the T-Mobile booth at the mall overnight was a damn liar
01. That deviled egg had been sitting on that radiator for quite a while, my friend
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