Gome of the Week
"Hey Crystal! You wanna watch the Oscars this year?"

"Nah, I ain't never heard of none of them movies they always nonim-, nomni-... Put up fer the statues."

"Maybe you ain't heard about the new and improved Oscars! They's finally talkin' about movies that ain't all boring and shit! Our girl Sandy's gonna bring home a gold man for the common folk!"

"Oh hellz yeah! It jest goes ta show ye: if enough people pay money to see something, it must be good!"




This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Star Wars Valentines - Touching.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Stormy Monday (1988)

You can file this one under not-as-obscure-as-our-usual-selections, but I'd still be willing to bet that a lot of you haven't seen it. I know I've spent the last twenty years passing it by on video rental shelves, but that was as close as I ever came to it. Until now. I needed a respite from the onslaught of cinematic asspiss I've subjected myself to recently, and this seemed like a safe bet.

And it was. Not the most thrilling thriller I've ever seen, but the cast (probably never thought you'd see those three names together, eh?) was so random that it made it quite enjoyable. Sting and Tommy Lee Jones both play hardened bad-asses, which is a stretch for the Stinger, but old hat to Tommy Lee. Sting pulled it off, I have to say. I've seen Sting in a handful of movies, and they've all been weird ones. I respect that. (Quadrophenia, anyone?)

This is one of those suspense-type flicks where you are kept in the dark for a solid 45 minutes in the beginning, wondering if you accidentally missed some key information during that 10 second period when you reached down to pet your dog. Turns out they just don't reveal shit until the second half of the movie. It actually ends up working out pretty well: You think these folks are all fairly straight-laced, and then you find out they're either mobbed up, formerly mobbed up, or just not fans of being dicked around. Then the guns and knives come out. Then Melanie Griffith shows some half-boob. Then a car bomb goes off. It's all pretty nutso.

A lot of the action takes place in a London music club (which Sting's character owns), and there's a gratuitous scene where Sting is pensively plucking an upright bass left there by one of the groups. All right, we get it: you're talented. Fuckin' Sting.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Al Caiola's Magic Guitars - Music for Space Squirrels (1958)

I've had this record for a while, and I always assumed it was an LP for children. I'm not sure that it isn't, but if it is, that's not clear. In fact, not much about this album is clear. There's a long story on the back about two squirrels being jettisoned into space, which somehow deteriorates into a bitch session about Laika. It's as odd as the cover, which I have to admit is pretty sweet.

The music, however, has nothing to do with any of this. Instead, it's instrumental versions of the most standard of standards, including "When the Saints Go Marching In," "Sweet Lorraine," and "Angry," which you might not recognize the name of, but you would know. Trust me. So, I remembered why this record has sat on my shelf for a few years. I wanted dizzying abstractions about space squirrels, and I got some second-rate Dixieland. Blah. Still a great-looking album cover, though.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
the Clackamas claw - A sweet way to refer to Aqua-Netted bangs of the half-cylinder variety.

Origin - Uh, Clackamas. Check the technique.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am smack-dab in the middle of Puss Run Oh-Ten."

"Dude, that is trump teez. You've met some lovely ladies on your journey, I take it?"

"Dude, last night I gave a chick with a rockin' Clackamas claw the ball-peen hammer."

"Dude, I wondered how you got those light scratches on your forehead. Next time be more careful."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Ways You Can Make A Difference:

10. When throwing bags of refuse out the window of your car, try to avoid hitting anyone in a wheelchair
09. A smile goes a long way when you're exposing yourself to women outside of their aerobics class
08. After seeing Avatar for the fifth time, make sure to mention your return visits to the manager of the theater. It will ensure that the multiplex will continue to give movies like this a fighting chance
07. When signing a letter to your stalking victim in your own blood, be sure to attach a copy of your most recent HIV test
06. Don't use up all the internet porn. Leave some for the rest of us
05. We have bottle deposits for a reason: It makes a bag of empties as good as cash when you're hiring a bum to kill your ex-wife
04. If you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, the least you can do is wrap it around a rock and drunkenly return it through his front window under the cover of darkness
03. They're always looking for volunteers to referee bare-knuckle street fights
02. Old people are always looking for companionship and someone to help them place huge wagers at the horse track
01. If you smelt it, just admit that you dealt it. It's going to save us all a ton of time in the long run


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