Gome of the Week
Folks, it is a deodorant commercial.

Let's just get a hold of ourselves here.

Too late?

Well, let's just hope he does as well as Joe Isuzu or those cavemen.

Now gimme my "I'm on a horse" t-shirt!







This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Duck Hunt Behind the Scenes - I'm not a huge fan of these College Humor guys, but I'll give it to 'em for this one.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Apocalypse (1998)

Hey, you know Jack and Rexella Van Impe, those two hollow-eyed nuts who are always rallying for Jesus at four in the morning, taking up precious middle-of-the-night TV space that should be reserved for Cops and Max X? Well, back in 1998, they produced a feature film that Kirk Cameron couldn't have done better himself. 12 years later, against my better judgment, I watched the shit out of it.

Trying to put into words just how monumentally creepy this movie was is not going to be possible, but I will try to give you an idea: In one particularly dramatic scene, the main dude (buttchin over there) digs up his father's grave, rips open his coffin, and finds that all remains of his dad are his neatly folded clothes, his wedding ring, and his bible. Yes, he'd been mad raptured, post-mortem style.

So, yeah, this is one of those movies (not that I've seen any other ones like this, but I've heard about them) - where the people who got their act together before the end games began just disintegrate (always with their clothes folded neatly - never any sign of underwear), and the rest of the planet is left to toil in the hellhole they've created for themselves. The film makes a heavy point of letting you know that Catholics and Jews will have a front row seat in that hellhole. You're out of luck, suckers.

The two main characters are married newspeople, and the movie tells the tale of how they go from relying on facts, competent reporting, and meticulous research, to taking copious notes on VHS tapes of Jack Van Impe sermonizing, and then reporting his prophecies to the world. (The video tapes, of couse, are available to order.) Satan shows up about halfway through, and it turns out he's a really short, nicely dressed European dude. Seems charming enough. But that's all part of his plan! Buttchin eventually finds himself with a noose around his neck, but the flick ends before we get the pleasure of seeing his huge head disconnected from his body. A real shame.

Watch the trailer and marvel at all the stock footage these folks had to edit together to simulate the end of the world.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Charles B. Roth - The Moment of Truth (1962)

I am really developing quite a stash of these Businessmen's Record Club LPs. Please: if you ever see any of these when you're out and about, pick them up for me.

This one is a solid entry into the catalog, with Mr. Roth here telling you how to not only get to that all-important moment of truth, but how to seal the deal once you get there. Turns out smiling is good, but smirking is not. If you're selling sausage, you should let your prospect taste it. (Insert your own gay prostitute joke here.) Good grooming is key, as is good posture. Don't show up looking like a slouchy hobo, or you will never sell any sausage.

And lest you think that matador is on the cover just for funsies, let me assure you: the first analogy laid down in this thing is that of comparing a salesman to a bull fighter. Ole!




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
burying the gold - A sweet thing to call barfing outside.

Origin - Drunk pirates, mostly.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I am not feeling well. Too many peach wine coolers with breakfast."

"Dude, you really can't take down your eye-opening coolers like you used to."

"Dude, I'll be right back. I need to run out back and bury the gold."

"Dude, bury away. The whereabouts of your treasure is safe with me."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Breakup Texts:

10. "U no lonber gv me a bonr"
09. "Plz dont evr call me agin I dnot think your mad tite n e mor"
08. "i h8 2 loose u but i thikn this si 4 da bezt"
07. "keep it rill but itz a peece out"
06. "aw hel nawz u r tripin if u think we r still d8ing"
05. "I want 2 breakup nand no more pix of yoour dong plz"
04. "I fcked you friend soory i drukn"
03. "r weding is off plese fwd"
02. "we r threw plz dlete all pix of me w bals on chin"
01. "l8r fag ps u r gay"


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