Gome of the Week
It's coming out in 11 months, better start hyping the shit out of it.

So, what's left? Aquaman and Wonder Woman - that's it, right?

And btw, when EW is mentioning Comic-Con on their cover, you know that thing's run its course.

Sorry nerds.

Also - this is at least the second time I've gomed out Ryan Reynolds on the cover of EW. Next time he's on there it's a given. Look for it.








This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Foreskin Man - Beating the shit out of mohels everywhere.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Cyborg Cop (1993)

Yes, the Vidmark label is synonymous with quality, R-rated family entertainment. And when it comes to robotic cop movies, I think we can all agree that none were more popular - and more well-made - than Cyborg Cop.

Because I'm a simple man, I went into this flick assuming that it would be about a machine-cop doling out mecha-justice. Instead, it was about a cop who gets sent on a bunk mission (that double-crossing captain!) to a remote island where a portly madman is turning dead dudes into evil-doing cyborgs. He ends up getting killed while at the island, and then resurrected as, yes, a cyborg. So, he's a cop who gets turned into a cyborg, but at no point is he actually a Cyborg Cop. Little misleading.

And really, he's hardly in this movie. It's mostly the story of his older brother, who's also his former partner on the squad. He quits the force after murdering the son of the wealthy local family that owns an influential newspaper empire, and goes into exile. But when his brother goes missing, he decides to oil himself up and hit the road. The first person he meets when he gets to the island is a smokin'-hot reporter for - you guessed it - the newspaper owned by the people whose kid he iced.

They don't get along too well at first, but after some chance encounters and life-saving runs from the local federales, she sees his charms and he decides he really wants to see what's under that tank top she's been stretching out. Dude spends the rest of his time tracking down his brother, and face-kicking gangs of hired goons. Shockingly, there is actually way more to the story than this, but I'm not going to get into it. The final scene involves him finding his cyborg brother, who still has enough love for his bro in him to turn on his fat maker and help his brother kick some spleen. Then he dies.

Oh, but before that, the cop cyborg fights one of the other cyborgs that's on the island, and one of them (can't remember which one) suplexes the other through a flight of metal stairs. And that was awesome. In fact, this whole movie was awesome. Hilarious violence, a few scenes of gratuitous nudity, and plot holes aplenty. Everything you've come to expect from the Vidmark group. I highly recommend it.

Watch the trailer here and catch a glimpse of the sweet scene where one of the cyborgs punches right through a dude's skull.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Dorothy Matar - Golden Bells (1972)

Play those bells, Dorothy! Yes, this is still in its original shrink. Jealous? You know I like my self-financed, early-70's, Swiss bell & vibraharp LPs from Nevada to be in NM condition.

So, this record isn't just about Dorothy clanging her bells for Jesus. Though it certainly is about that. It's about her playing bells as accompaniment to other traditional instruments, like piano. So, the piano will be lightly puttering along, and Dorothy just rattles in with the bells. It's jarring. Not a lot of volume control when it comes to those bells, apparently.

But you keep clangin', Dorothy.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
...all while getting my dode slarved - A sweet way to wrap up a list of things you have accomplished, all while getting your dode slarved.

Origin - Slarvation. Maybe Slarvey Wallbanger.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Today was a productive day. I took care of so many things."

"Dude, that is truly top-notch. Let's hear about it."

"Dude. I filed my taxes, took my dog for a walk, got some frozen yogurt, and repaired the kitchen sink - all while getting my dode slarved."

"Dude, if you were a QB, I'd call you Brett Slarve."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things Preventing Me From Achieving My Goals:

10. Severe lack of interest, coupled with mild confusion
09. My goals all revolve around me feeling up Mimi Rogers in the back of a hot pink Ferrari Testarossa with full approval from my wife - quite a few roadblocks there
08. Psychosomatic dementia
07. One foot's an 11.5, the other's a 12, and I'm going to corner you and tell you all about it
06. Found out I'm deathly allergic to success, and also highly susceptible to excuses
05. Just looked down and realized I've been wearing sheer leotard pants all day - that can't be good
04. The fuckin' cops
03. Still haven't found a trustworthy babysitter for my ferret
02. Waiting for short-sleeved suits to come back in style, then I'm hitting the pavement!
01. It's this damn socialism. Ain't we in America?


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