Gome of the Week
The IMDb message boards: Never have so many chocolate-stained keyboards clacked out the words "worst movie ever" in unison.
And then argued about it for four weeks straight.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Donkey Kong Country Returns - Yeah it does. Dude, I am sooooo stoooooked.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Champions By the Bay (1989)
21 years ago, baseball was treated to a severely anticlimactic Bay Series that will always be remembered more for the earthquake that happened before Game 3 than it will for the 4-Game sweep that the A's pulled on the Giants. Thankfully, this video concentrates mostly on the two teams' journies to the Series, and not the actual match-up.
This movie is 90 minutes long, narrated by Bob Costas, and features plenty of footage of Will Clark hitting, Jose Canseco being oily, and Dennis Eckersley's sweet LBST blowing in the late-inning breeze. It also includes footage of Rickey Henderson playing dominoes with Dave Parker, which would have blown 13-year-old me's mind. Kevin MItchell also gets mad screen time, as dude won the MVP that year, rocking a gold tooth with lines shaved in the side of his head. It was also during this season that he made his notorious bare-handed catch. 1989 was a good year for Mitch, who would spend the rest of his life getting arrested for doing all sorts of weird shit.
Rickey Henderson doesn't join the A's until halfway through the season, but thankfully they included not only footage of him stealing a shitload of bases, but also giving interviews. And if you've never heard the dude talk, you are missing out. He is fucking nuts. And in '89, he was rocking a huge high-top fade. Just making it happen.
I could go on forever, but unless you know who Ken Oberkfell, Walt Weiss, or Rick Reuschel are, you won't care. But I will say this: just knowing that Canseco and McGwire were jamming steriod-filled syringes into each other's asses during this time makes me happy to relive it. Go Bash Bros.!
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Mike Warnke - Alive! (1976)
I'd always wanted to hear a mid-70's standup comedy record by a born-again Christian who used to be the high priest in a satanic cult, and this week, I finally got my wish. The best part is how he sort of slips in his former affiliation with the dark lord. "Back when I was into satanism..." Very crafty, my man.
But hey, this ain't your grandma's Christian standup comedian - this guy's in touch with the dirty hippies he despises! He's got long hair, uses (according to the back of the album) "street-person language," and he used to be a drug-dealing pimp! It's a crazy combo, and with bits like "The Navy's Grade A Number One Fruitcake," "The Gideon Bible and the Mop Closet," and "Suicide and the Gospel Trio," you know you're in for a wild time.
Warnke has since gone on to become a huge fraud. Hilarious!
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
the tapered chase - A sweet way to describe a guy trying to hook up with girls in skinny jeans.
Origin - I dunno. Ironic dive bars?
Usage - "Oh, dude. I love the ladies in the skin-tight jeans."
"Dude, you are a sucker for streamlined denim."
"Dude, tonight I hit some dirty hipster hotspots and go on the tapered chase."
"Dude, chase on."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're More Sensitive Than Most:
10. Your iPod is filled with nothing but home recordings of you weeping
09. You give women the respect they deserve by waiting to sniff their panties until they're done wearing them
08. You get misty during most Hyundai ads
07. You don't like to watch closed captioning because you really feel for the poor guy who has to type that fast
06. Always writing poetry while in your car outside of the house of the girl you're stalking
05. You insist on giving stray cats a good pettin' before throwing lit firecrackers at them
04. Can't watch Kentucky Fried Movie because it just hits too close to home
03. Always willing to befriend recently parolled sex offenders because they're people too. And they're easy to blackmail
02. You keep your mood ring on your wang
01. Always shocked when people refer to "crying yourself to sleep" as anything other than a nightly routine
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