Gome of the Week
You should dress up as this guy for Halloween.
There's no way that would suck super hard.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
The Museum of Soviet Arcade Games - Straight out of some weird, taco-induced dream I would have.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Bye Bye Baby (1988)
If you're ever involved in a conversation about the beginning of the end of Brigitte Nielsen's career, make sure to bring up this movie. You can actually see her star power dwindling during these brutally tedious 80 minutes. Fresh out of Beverly Hills Cop II, she signed up for this Italian "comedy," apparently under the stipulation that she be given final billing under the title "And special participation by," which must have some terribly bitchy story behind it. Three years later she would be rocking it straight-to-video style, co-starring with Corey Haim in The Double O Kid.
And that, my friends, is why you never cross Sly Stallone. But that's another story.
The story here is one about four people you couldn't possibly loathe more, and their selfish desires to bang whoever they want, whenever they want. Sound like the plot of a decently sweet Skinemax flick? It certainly is. And it's just one more reason why this skin-less exercise in self-indulgence was so hard to sit through.
Alt's character is married to to an insufferable Italian con-jobber, and over the course of the three years represented in the film, they get divorced and get back together like five times. Nielsen plays a professional nine-pin billiards player (don't ask) who bones dude when he and Alt aren't shacked up. And she passes time with Sean Connery's son (really) when they're not together. All of these characters are rich assholes, and when it became clear none of them were going to murder each other, I lost interest until Nielsen started romping around in the surf in a bikini. But even those beautiful images couldn't relieve me of the irretractable damage that Carol Alt's acting had inflicted upon me. I found myself feeling really bad for her. I couldn't even laugh. That's how rough it was.
On top of that, there was a single song that was played during any and all romantic scenes in the movie. It is a sin against music, and it is burned in my brain forever because there were so many damn stopped-short makeout scenes in this movie. Just a bumpy ride the entire way.
Check out the trailer and enjoy the song that haunts my nightmares. It truly is the end of forever. How poignant.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Steve Taylor - Meltdown (1984)
It took me until the second track of this quirk-rock cutesy-fest to figure out this guy was a Christian rocker, and I was a bit bummed when I realized it. I thought he was just a goofball. Now for some reason I just think he's trying too hard.
See, the album's called Meltdown because the first song is called "Meltdown (At Madame Tussaud's)." And if you know anything about Madame Tussauad's, you know it's filled with wax statues, so... If you can't figure the rest out, Taylor beats you over the head with his witty wordplay in this video that makes me very uncomfortable. Watch closely for a cameo from Blair from Facts of Life.
Other attempts at wordplay on the LP include "Meat the Press," in which he describes wanting to feed newsmen to dogs. And, as you know, dogs like meat. So that's the connection there.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
mup - A sweet way to say you're up.
Origin - Spudly; the words "I'm" and "up."
Usage - "Oh, dude. You really need to get out of bed. You've barely got enough time to take a disco crap before we hit the town"
"Dude, it's going to be mad tight. I even bought you some new parachute pants. Now get up."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways In Which the World Hath Wronged You:
10. The Star Wars prequels sucked, and that was a crime against humanity that you won't ever shut the fuck up about
09. Society keeps making sure that you are denied a Corvette in favor of a partially-charred Grand Am
08. Ain't it about time that these gays decide if they would rather be referred to as "homos" or "queers"? Man, these fruits can be so sensitive
07. Since when is it against the law to drink four bottles of cooking sherry and demand access to a crowded flight's cockpit?
06. MC Hammer? That was your idea, and you never saw a red cent
05. If wagering your rent money on a crooked cockfight was both against the law and a really terrible idea, then why did Paco take your money and then allow you to go double or nothing like five times after that?
04. Let's face it: no regular Joe can afford to use Pepsodent on a regular basis, but we're led to believe that this is possible
03. The subpoena confirmed it: Paco was not "on the level"
02. A quick Google search just revealed that yes, sadly, the band name "Big Black Fuckstick" is already taken
01. You'd like to talk to this so-called "doctor" that insists that toddlers cannot subsist on homemade Capri Sun alone
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