Gome of the Week
I'm a week late on this, but here's to you, Dold.

Not that I know exactly what I'm talking about, but apparently the NJ Devils signed Ilya Kovalchuk to a 15-year, $100 million contract.

This is how that's going so far.

Big whiffa!








This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Tcherepashki Nindzya - Not quite sure what this is, but it looks to be some sort of bootleg TMNT situation. The pictures are gold.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Millennium (1989)

I'm trying to pare down my VHS queue for the site, because there's some movies that have been sitting on my shelf for over a year now, and I need to watch them before I buy any more, or else they're never going to go away. So, we're getting down to the nitty-gritty here.

Still don't know why I thought this one was going to be such a stinker. The 20th Century Fox label should be a sign of some sort of quality, but when you've got Kris Kristofferson and Cheryl Ladd leading up the cast, you can't hope for much. So I didn't. And it wasn't. Much. But as usual, I got some good laughs out of the whole deal.

The fact that Kristofferson ever established himself as a legitimate actor has always confused me. I mean, if you look at his filmography, it's clear he didn't turn much down, but man: the guy is dead weight. (Ever seen the episode of SNL he hosted in the late 70s? Brutal.) So, yeah, he wasn't choosy, but I don't get how anyone thought the guy could ever carry a picture.

He plays an investigator in this movie, specifically one who tries to figure out how plane crashes happen. He's sent to check out the wreckage of big-ass passenger plane that went down under weird circumstances, and it quickly becomes clear to him that something is amiss. This kooky doctor is prowling about, and a guy performing autopsies shows him that all of the passengers' digital watches are running backwards. He starts to freak a little, but before he can totally lose it, he hooks up with an airline employee (Cheryl "When She Still Had Her Real Face" Ladd), one-night-stand style. After she mysteriously disappears, he freaks harder.

Turns out she's from 1,000 years in the future (that title starting to make sense?) and she comes back every once in while with other future ladies. They beam themselves aboard planes that are going to crash, pose as stewardesses (after knocking out the real ones), and abduct the passengers before the plane goes down, replacing them with lookalikes. Why? Because the future is so polluted that no one can reproduce any more. But, they can't mess with the past, so they have to steal people that were going to die anyway. Get it? Yeah, I know. Not really. And that's just the rough outline.

Eventually, Ladd's love for ol' Kristo causes her to jack up the past so severely that she completely obliterates the future, but not before beaming him back there with her so they can make a climactic narrow escape at the end. To where? You'll have to watch the sequel that doesn't exist to find out. (Apparently the DVD includes four alternate endings. Bonus!)

Pure randomness: Scott Thompson from Kids in the Hall plays a futuristic space controller guy in this, and has no lines.

Here's the trailer. They wisely focus on the special effects, and not Kristofferson's intonation-challenged acting.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Fellowship of Christian Athletes - The Life That Wins (1968)

This Word label out of Waco, Texas cranked out a jillion records in the 60's, and I've somehow got like ten of 'em. This is my newest one, a collection of speeches given by "well-known" athletes about how Jesus has helped them tackle, pole-vault, and become the "World's strongest man."

Honestly, the only guy I've heard of on this thing is Tom Landry. Oh, maybe Bobby Richardson. Was expecting him to talk about how the hell he was on a squad with Mickey Mantle for like a decade and wasn't just knee-deep in hookers and whiskey, but he doesn't. And that's a shame. No women on this thing? Shocker! But there are some highly sexist jokes from some non-athletic singing jokesters, so the ladies weren't totally forgotten.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Toid rage - A sweet way to describe a situation in which you're super pissed because you really need an Altoid but no one has one.

Origin - Haliteezee.

Usage - "Oh, dude. My mouth tastes like warm garbage. Hit a sweet bro with a Toid."

"Dude, I am mad Toidless."

"Dude, I'm seriously considering feeding you your own feet right now, just so you can experience the rankness of my breathitude."

"Dude, cool it with the oddly verbose Toid rage."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten TV Shows to Watch on Thanksgiving:

10. The high-stakes sporting event that, unbeknownst to anyone else, will determine whether or not your daughter goes to college
09. That parade hosted by those people that everyone hates, featuring a bunch of people who you'd really like to see stabbed
08. Ace of Baby-Laxative-Infused Blow
07. That episode of Dirty Jobs where Mike Rowe stumbles around hammered trying to get low-ball dominatrices to use him as a toilet
06. You Ruined Thanksgiving and Now Your Parents Are Getting Divorced and Everyone Knows it's All Your Fault, Charlie Brown
05. Moneygrubbing with the Stars
04. Leftovers: Geraldo Rivera's Brave Journey Through His Post-Meal Mustache
03. The inevitable sketch involving Jay Leno and Fred Willard in severely racist Native American garb
02. Michael Strahan Will Enthusiastically Endorse Your Product for Fifty Bucks
01. Charlie Sheen Something Something Coke-Fueled Something Hooker Something Hotel Rager Something


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