Gome of the Week
Wow, J. Lo and Carly Simon? This season of Idol is gonna rule!
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Hipster Runoff: The Most Bloggable Moments of 2K10 - I find this hilarious.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out! (1989)
The sub-title to this flick seems like a cruel joke once you find out that the movie's main character is a blind girl, but these films clearly aren't big on tact, logic, or sense, so I suppose it shouldn't be too surprising.
Picking up where the last movie left off (kind of), this one finds Ricky still alive, though in a coma (and played by a different actor) and wearing this preposterous clear skull-helmet thingy that is never really explained. In a move that makes little sense, a doctor has enlisted the help of a blind girl who he feels can mind-meld with Ricky to go through a bunch of rigorous exercises in coma communication. She and Ricky cool out in her dreams (I was almost positive Freddy Krueger was going to show up and start cracking wise), and she also begins seeing into the future in them, where things get mad bloody.
Ricky eventually wakes up and goes on a skull-helmeted quest to find this resourceful blind chick who's been talking to him while he's been laying in a bed with his brain exposed for a few years, and all sorts of improbable nonsense takes place. It's not that it's completely unentertaining, but after the second installment in this franchise, the bar was set so high for ridiculousness that a suspense move like this just doesn't really work. Still, Ricky's skull cap is bizarre enough to be pretty funny, and the whole not-seeing thing that the girl has going on adds some interesting angles. Definitely the most straight-ahead entry in the series, and I guess that's all right.
Cannot find a trailer for this thing, but here's an awkward clip.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
V/A - Snoopy's Christmas (1969)
Wish I had the patience to find out what the hell the story is behind this thing, but I don't. It does indeed seem to be a story about Snoopy and the Red Baron, but that picture there sure isn't of the Peanuts dog. So, yeah, I don't get it. Also, this song is apparently really popular, but I've never heard it. Huh.
Whatever. The real fun on this record is the filler that follows "Snoopy's Christmas." Tracks like "Christmas Candy," "Mary Christmas," "Jingle, the Christmas Mouse," and "Mr. Reindeer" are phoned-in attempts at new Christmas classics, and they are awesome. You can find this record for half a dollar anywhere. Get on it.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
jagwagon - A sweet way to insult someone.
Origin - Liz Lemon.
Usage - "Oh, dude. This Christmas is going to be so trump teez."
"Dude, I agree. But I can't believe there's a not a Christmas-themed rom-com for me to go enjoy while I suck at life super hard."
"Dude, that is a bummer. A true predicament for the practicing jagwagon."
"Dude, I shall jag on regardless."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things to Get Done Before Christmas:
10. Add festive lighting to your torture dungeon
09. Find somebody to help you haul that old refrigerator over to your place so your kids can wake up and play in it Christmas morning
08. Shave a yule log into your ass hair
07. Clean your bathtub in preparation for a huge batch of jungle nog
06. Pick up a white beard, but that's it, because you're already big enough to play Santa, fatty
05. Send confusing cards to everyone in your family that just say "I'm sorry for the way you've treated me"
04. Go to your neighbor's house, tell them that their sub-par tree is "fucking up the vibe of the whole 'hood"
03. Learn to play the bells. At 3AM in your driveway wearing only a hastily-constructed saran-wrap jockstrap
02. Build a homemade abacus for your nephew. Kids love those
01. Find out the true meaning of Christmas by shoving a gun in Santa's mouth and telling him to spill it
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