Gome of the Week
Already Fandangoed the shit out of my tickets for this!

I hope they end up together in the end.

















This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Pen and Pixel - Still getting the job done, one Mr. Stinky album cover at a time.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Timelock (1996)

Because I'm an idiot, I read the spine of this video as Timeclock when I saw it at the record store a few months back. Needless to say, I thought that was the funniest/most awesome thing in the world, so I picked it up. It wasn't until I got it home that I noticed it was a lock, not a clock. And, in the end, there's no timelock in this movie at all, so it doesn't really matter. But I still wish it was called Timeclock.

If you know Maryam "Dalton-Era Bond Girl" d'Abo and Arye "I've Guest-Starred on Every TV Show Ever" Gross, then you know that the only thing that could make that combo any sweeter would be the addition of Martin "Yes, Sensei" Kove. Throw a little Jeff "Somehow I'm the Poor Man's Steven Seagal" in there, and you've got yourself...one cripplingly boring movie about a futuristic space prison. Why do I feel like I'm always watching movies about futuristic space prisons?

The year is 2251. Jack (Gross) is being spent to an outlying space prison because he stole a bunch of money. He was supposed to go to the minimum security lock-up, but he accidentally gets assigned to the one where they send the criminals who have been deemed lost causes. So, he's on a transport ship with a bunch of dudes who don't give a shit about anything. And apparently they worked it out so they'd go to prison together, because they all bust loose and hijack the ship, take it to the prison and unfreeze their buddy who is apparently the most devious criminal in space history. Madness ensues, but Jack manages to crack wise while learning how to kill people. After he tumbles off a ledge with a dude and lands on him, Jack pats the guy's newly-deceased forehead and says, "nice working with ya." Jack = gold.

Jack also says things like "Showtime at the Apollo!," which means that the club must still exist 250 years from now, even though we've mastered light-speed space travel and would seemingly have better things to do then throw garbage at people who can't sing. But I guess not.

So, here's the trailer for the movie. At about the :27 mark, a dude hits a control panel on a wall. Looked strangely familiar to me while I was watching the movie... Here's a screen grab. Recognize it? Yeah, it's this. I am awesome.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Nikki - If You Wanna (1989)

Oh, 1989. How awkward you were for society. Dance music was running itself into the ground, but the record labels were still hanging on. And apparently they were trying to turn dudes into tried-and-true hit machines.

This poor guy. He seems to be a good singer, but man, he got molded. One part Prince, one part Terence Trent D'Arby, and a whole lotta Milli Vanilli.

You'll see what I'm talking about.






This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
timeclock - A sweet way to overly describe a clock.

Origin - Specificity.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I can't be late to this sweet rave I'm going to tonight."

"Dude, have you dipped your pacifier in glitter yet?"

"Dude, of course. But look at the timeclock! I've only got twenty minutes to gather my vapo sticks and hit the road!"

"Dude, according to my timeclock, you've only got 15. Better hurry."gvhhhhhhhhhhhb0------,m./



This Week's Top Ten List

My Top Ten New Year's Resolutions:

10. Buy a ferret; always talk about how I need to get home to my ferret
09. Finally realize my dream of making out with a blue-ribbon hog at the state fair
08. Make the transition from videodiscs to laserdiscs
07. Lead the nation in a Friendster renaissance
06. Get in more heated political discussions on Facebook - it just makes sense!
05. More ball-cupping, less shaft-working
04. Finally finish the design for my taint tattoo
03. Nail down the location of this "cloud" in the "blogosphere" that everyone is talking about
02. Cut out all grease-based root beers
01. Ghost Dad the whip in all 50 states



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