Gome of the Week
Anybody else think David Johansen is starting to look like the grandma from Roseanne?










This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Ferris Bueller's Day Off - Recut Trailer - I don't usually enjoy these too much, but this one's a gem.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Lovelines (1984)

If anyone ever thinks I watch VHS tapes just to be a cool guy, let me remind you: that is true. But it is not the only reason. It's also because flicks like this (and a fair amount of the other movies I watch for this site) have yet to be released on DVD, and probably won't be. So, if you want to see Lovelines, you either have to pay 30 bucks for a tape on Amazon, or you have to get lucky like I did and find it at an estate sale for a quarter.

Was this worth 25 cents? Oh dear god yes. Would I have been disappointed if I had shelled out real dollars for it? Absolutely.

On the surface, this movie has it all: high school rivalries, prank-happy teenagers, pumped-up jocks, status-obsessed catty chicks, and a non-plot-essential scene thrown in just to increase the gratuitous nudity levels. Add to that a battle of the bands and a supporting role from Michael "Police Academy 8, Anyone?" Winslow, and you've got a recipe for a solid, R-rated 80's high school comedy romp.

And it's almost that. The acting is all kinds of shitty, but that's to be expected. And it's one of those movies that feels half-finished, like they threw in whatever footage they had just to get it to 90 minutes, and that's mostly to be expected, too. (Great example: a scene where two of the sweet prankster bros go to a porno theater, fill squirt guns with hair conditioner, and shoot it all over the audience. Sweet fake sperm prank, bros!)

In the end, this is just another one of those movies where they can't decide if it's a comedy, a musical, or a love story. There are multiple (and incredible) lovey montages, lots of full-song performances, but also a scene where some of the dudes are driving in their souped-up Dodge Charger and all of a sudden they have a cannon in the back of it that shoots booze-filled balloons, intended to take down their rivals with trumped-up DUI charges after they use their CB radio to call the cops on them. Yeah. And there are three people credited with the story on this thing.

But it's not like I had any trouble watching the shit out of this movie. And it was worth it for the sweet duet between the two lovers whose groups had tied in the battle of the bands. Aw. They're all winners.

Seriously - check out these montages.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Stallion - 2: Hey Everybody (1977)

Ever since I found the original Stallion record a few years back, I've been on the lookout for this one, the sequel to their self-titled debut. I finally came across it last week, and as you can see, it has one of the greatest covers ever.

The music is sort of slick, slightly proggy funk-pop, and I guarantee that a lot of loose ladies got pregnant to their slow-jammier stuff in the late 70's.

The first track is called "Atlanta," and while you'd think it would be a complimentary track, it's all about how Atlanta sucks super hard. Nice move.

Check out the title track here.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Woodburn - A town in Oregon and a sweet way to shorten "what a burn."

Origin - Highway-accessible outlet malls, burnery.

Usage - "Oh, dude. We're going to the outlet malls down off I-5 this weekend. You should come."

"Dude, I totally should. Because I need a pair of size 56 irregular overalls."

"Dude, that hurt me when you burned me just then."

"Dude: Woodburn."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things I've Done With My New iPad 2:

10. Resisted the urge to bore a hole in it and consummate our love
09. Taken wacky Photo Booth shots of me being choked out by my dominatrix
08. Snorted blow off it. Duh.
07. Asked my wife to hold it up like board, karate demonstration style, so I could repeatedly high-kick it to test its durability
06. Set my background to a photo of a shirtless Nikki Sixx just throwin' the horns, bro
05. Took it to a crowded coffee shop and wowed everyone with my skills on the virtual theremin
04. Set the lock screen to a brushed steel and then served Hors d'œuvres on it like a futuristic waiter
03. Killed a man with the "Blunt Object" app
02. Threw it like a frisbee to my dog; later used its Maps function to find a veterinary dentist
01. Had a heartwarming FaceTime chat with my secret family


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