Gome of the Week
This had me fooled.

Because, you know, when you think of breaking news about all things rap-related, you immediately think of PBS.














This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Ultimate Nerd Wedding - I don't usually get choked up at wedding photos, but when I saw the Imperial Royal Guard: waterworks.


This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Nudity Required (1990)

I went to an absolutely astounding VHS/DVD sale a few weekends ago. It reminded me of the bittersweet days when Biff and I would go to video stores that were being run out of business by Blockbuster and buy up their weird-ass tapes at a highly discounted rate. Though in this case, it was just some fanatic's personal collection. And the dude had just died. And it was in his yard.

I grabbed way too many tapes when all was said and done, but at a quarter apiece, I have no regrets. So, needless to say, I am stocked up for the forseeable future. Look forward to some serious gems in the coming months.

We're starting here, with a flick that leaves subtlety to those with actual filmmaking skills. Yes, the buddies-in-search-of-chicks element is always intriguing (I mean, just look at those guys), but the Julie Newmar and Troy Donahue top-billing shot this into a whole new stratosphere of oddity for me, and I could not resist.

Julie Newmar has appeared in about four movies in the last twenty years, and this is one of them. And it's no cameo: she's straight-up co-starring in this thing, and even does a through-the-frosted-glass shower scene with party guy in the hat over there. Donahue also has a mild hook-up scene, and watching him shirtless, with his saggy skin sloshing around, is awkward at best. But with a title like this, I guess you're expecting a topless Troy Donahue. So take it all in, ladies.

If you're wondering who had the brass nads to name a movie this, you're not alone. I immediately hit IMDb to see what the deal is with John Bowen, the director. If you spend any time on IMDb, you might know that if you see a name with over 200 directorial credits, it usually means one of two things: an especially illustrious career in television, or - and this is far more common - porn. Turns out Bowen falls into the latter category (no shit), and in 98% of his other film endeavors, he goes by the handle of John T. Bone. Of course he does.

Fittingly, there is no shortage of boobery in this movie, and the plot, which makes little sense while it attempts to weave together four or five different storylines, is pure 80's USA Up All Night awesomeness: Two sweet bros luck into a Beverly Hills mansion, fake like they're movie producers, and wait for the bare-chested antics to ensue. And when the guy in the human taco suit pulls out the machine gun, you know the wackiness has reached peak levels. Can't believe I can't find a trailer for this.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Stenodisc - Actual Business Letters Dictated at Various Speeds (196?)

Trying to figure out what the deal is with this. I think this was a series, and though they all shared the same cover, the company would put stickers on the front to tell you which one it was. Mine is "Volume 400: Brief Forms," and does not contain full letters, but rather a dude saying business-type words in alphabetical order.

He starts off slow (20 WPM), but by the end he's blazing through the jargon (70 WPM), and I feel terrible for the poor secretary who had to keep up. But that's why some guy in a suit invented shorthand.

Testimonial from the back: "I received the dictation practice record and it is excellent. The man's voice on the record is perfect. It is the best of any dictation record I have listened to." You sold me, person-who-writes-like-somebody-with-a-gun-to-their-head.




This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
skankings - Skank rankings.

Origin - A conglomerate of high-skanking officials.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Are the new official skankings out?"

"Dude, some skanks who were skanked really high last week are skanked a lot lower this time around."

"Well dude, when you're top-skanked, you can't expect to hold onto that skanking forever."

"Dude, I'm just looking out for those who are working their way up the skanks - it's always inspirational."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Beliefs Expounded By the Cult I'm Starting:

10. The moon landing is a hoax, and so is the moon, and the jury is still out on this whole "landing" concept
09. At this very moment, Randy Savage is slicing through the ether, riding a bright yellow dragon while Sensational Sherri and Miss Elizabeth take turns trying to make his hair look less wispy
08. If you've never curled up for a nap while submerged in off-brand Velveeta, well, give us a second to prepare the ceremonial vat
07. Women are good for a lot of things, but when it comes down to it, they're best at belting out love ballads about guys whose balls are hanging out of their jorts
06. The offense of wasting my time by trying to explain to me why something you saw on TV was hilarious is punishable by me choking you out in front of your chick
05. There is only one time when it's appropriate to wear a tank-top, and that's to a Globetrotter's funeral
04. Game hunting doesn't make you a man; not crying when I train a bear to lodge a shotgun in your mouth does
03. You can tell a lot about a man by what kind of duct tape he uses to conceal his genitals
02. Sleep is for the weak, and for those who are too chickenshit to get addicted to methamphetamines
01. There's only one true lord, and that's Shoop from Summer School


Cancel One Career