Gome of the Week
I really try not to be one of those people who bitches about cops, but man: the authorities in this case really wouldn't own up to dropping the ball, would they?
Whatever. It's awesome that these poor dudes are free.
Can you imagine going into prison during the Super Nintendo era and coming out and playing the Wii? What a rush that must be.
And, you know, seeing their families and shit is probably pretty sweet, too.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
1910 Visions of 2000 - What a future!
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
The American Angels: Baptism of Blood (1989)
I enjoyed Streets of Rage so much that I just had to find out where it all began for Mimi Lesseos. When I realized that it was with a low-budget women's wrestling movie featuring gals who had done time with G.L.O.W., it didn't take much to convince me that I needed to see the shit out of it.
The most surprising thing about this fetish-video-disguised-as-an-action-movie is not that it exists, but the fact that it was released by Paramount. Seeing the porn-esque pre-movie promo where the girls give you a 900 number to call to enter a contest to meet them, followed by Paramount's hallowed star-circled mountain logo was confusing, but also a comforting reminder of what a wonderful time 1989 was.
Some folks get a real charge out of chicks whaling on each other, and there's no shortage of hot lady-on-lady mat action here. Predictably, this flick isn't much more than a sappy little story strung together to give countless reasons for girls in spandex to repeatedly hip-toss each other. Need a prime example? Check out the opening credits. The jiggly, oily, slow-motion opening credits.
Hard-bodied Jan MacKenzie (the one in the middle up there), fresh off her starring role in Gatorbait II: Cajun Justice, plays Lisa, a topless dancer who aspires to be more than just a pair of jugs who bounces around for male enjoyment. So, she tries out for the American Angels, where only the best of the best are allowed to get deliciously suplexed while wearing an assless swimsuit.
Lesseos plays Magnificent Mimi, the top star/total bitch of the organization, who also bangs the dude who runs the company. Lisa starts sleeping with the guy, which leads to sweet, sweet tension, and it all comes to a head at the Baptism of Blood, where Lisa faces Mimi for a purse worth $25K. There's also a $5K bonus for the first lady to make the other one bleed. That's hot blood action!
Turns out Lisa's grandfather is a famous old wrestler, best known for killing a dude in the ring with a move he trademarked called "The Snap." Lisa doesn't want to use it, but when things get tough, will she have the courage to wrap her taut thighs around Mimi's supple neck? Yes. Oh my god, yes.
Can't find the official trailer, but follow that previous link and there's a bunch more clips. You perv.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Tommy Ott - There'll Be an 'Ott Time in the Old Town Tonight (196?)
Tommy Ott is so blazing with his fingers, so rambunctious with the ragtime, that he is forced to keep a fire hose handy in case the organ he's playing spontaneously combusts.
Though apparently he comtemplates hosing down the instrument when it's not on fire, too. Ott, you incorrigible scalawag.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
cross-blocked - A sweet way to describe what happens when you're hitting it off with a girl and then you find out she's really into Jesus.
Origin - Biff, Young Life.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I met this great girl at 'roke the other night."
"Dude, that sounds trump teez and not untight at all."
"Dude, it was, until she got on the mic and did a rousing medley of DC Talk cuts."
"Dude. Cross-blocked again."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ways Karaoke Has Changed In The Five Years Since I Gave Up My KJ Gig:
10. Stages replaced with large hoverboards
09. Online access allows bars to quickly download shitty versions of the shittiest new songs
08. Microphone headsets allow singers to run to the bathroom to vomit without interrupting their performance
07. People now bring iPads to the bar to reference lyrics and look like a real asshole
06. All recent videos feature a drunk, disheveled Andy Dick trying to find love while copping blow
05. Apollo-style booing until the singer begins weeping is largely encouraged
04. Lonely Island is the new Tenacious D, which was the new Adam Sandler
03. People no longer getting laid simply by virtue of a great voice; now they must also have red-hot dance routines
02. Comical hook to pull bad singers off stage replaced with police-issue stun guns, distributed to the drunkest bros in attendance
01. Have you heard this "Ice Ice Baby" song? It's finally catching on!
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