Gome of the Week
Dudes on the internet: We get it. You want to bang this chick. There's no need for you all to make the same "She's single and I think I've got a shot with her!" joke at once.
Because you don't, and you're an idiot.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Crazy Lady Screaming at Skateboarders - This is mad old, but I just saw it for the first time last week and I have watched it ten times since then. And laughed every time.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Criminal Act (1989)
When the opening credits wrap up with "And a Special Appearance by Vic Tayback as 'The Exterminator,'" you know you're in for a heaping helping of assiness. Not that I needed the mention of the illustrious Mr. Tayback to clue me in - the top-billing of Catherine "Just Waiting Around for the Next Dukes of Hazzard Reunion TV Movie" Bach sealed that deal before I even put this thing in my VCR. But I could never have imagined that this ass factory would be so cripplingly boring.
Bach had hung up her Daisy Dukes about four years previous to this, and apparently decided to kickstart her big-screen career with this flick and another one made the same year, that saw her teaming up with Billy Blanks and Sir Don Swayze. You're going straight to the top, baby!
Speaking of sweet co-stars, this movie features John "The Poor Man's Michael Ironside" Saxon and Nicholas "The Dick Who Lives Nextdoor to the Griswolds in Christmas Vacation" Guest, plus the aforementioned Tayback, who spends a quick five minutes yelling about - and disposing of - sewer-rat carcasses.
This movie's plot hinges on a purported rat infestation and its relation to the mysterious disappearance of the city's homeless population. It's like C.H.U.D., without any of the redeeming qualities or anything that would make you want to sit through more than three minutes of it. Bach plays a reporter who gets in over her head, ends up finding some weird tunnels below her newspaper building, and then gets captured by a team of lunatics who seem to live down there. One of them is the dude who plays Bull Hurley in Over the Top. And even he knows he's slumming it.
Anyway, it's all a big plan to clear the way for a shopping mall or something, and at one point there's a dwarf and a guy who is supposed to resemble a rat, but he's mostly just thin and homely. And Bach never wears that dress from the cover in the movie, nor does she ever brandish a gun. Prism!
I cannot find a trailer for this. I'm OK with that. You should be, too.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Paul Halley - pianosong (1986)
Never has an LP sleeve been filled with so many words. The back cover has even more than the front. The sweet irony, of course, being that that this solo-piano LP is comprised solely of instrumentals. Halley, you sly turtlenecked bastard.
The front of this album reads like the back cover of a novel, with Halley's pals gushing over what a pianistic stallion he is. The back features an almost pornographic description of the piano he played for these sessions, plus a story about his life and how he's been to more places and completed more gradutate programs than you. Then he gushes about how much he has a boner for his wife, and what miracles his children are. I'm really starting to hate this smug prick.
But, when I hear the lilting melodies of "Meadows of Loose Horses," all is forgiven, and I'm transported to an alternate reality where all I do is hang out with dudes in short pants who play flute. And it's pretty sweet.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
sleep is key - A sweet way to hammer home the importance of proper rest.
Origin - These are the words I live by.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Halloween was pretty swizz, but now I'm a bit tired."
"Dude, you should knock out a sweet nap, because we need to go see that Footloose remake for the third time."
"Dude, you are right. I can't expect my feet to be very loose if I don't get some shut-eye."
"Dude, exactly. Sleep is key. Now take a power nap and then we'll grease each other up and go dance in the aisles."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Signs You're Looking Forward to the Holidays:
10. You've been eating a big handful of ribbon with all your recent meals
09. 700 items on your Amazon wish list, and you've already mass-emailed it to all family members with the subject line, "Let's do this, dickheads"
08. You've got a fetish that only watching hundreds of Douglas Fir trees getting sawed down can satisfy
07. You've already got one of those huge, baton-like candy canes crammed up your corn chute, and it is going nowhere
06. You've been working up to Thanksgiving by taking down six boxes of Stove Top before bed every night
05. You're sipping on an eggnog cocktail with a gravy garnish as we speak
04. You keep saying things like, "Man, Christmas really is the best day to get a boner in front of a bunch of dudes at the YMCA"
03. You're "Flick" from A Christmas Story and you could really use that sweet residual check from the TNT 24-hour marathon
02. When it comes to traditions, dressing up as Santa, chugging a fifth of Early Times, and passing out in a parking lot while your family frantically calls local hospitals looking for you is one of your favorites
01. You've already started penning a Jesus-friendly version of "Dick in a Box" to be performed at your Christmas Eve church service
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