Gome of the Week
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
On Location: Buttercup Valley, 1982 - Amateur behind-the-scenes photos of the barge scene from Return of the Jedi. Get your nerd on.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Dead Tides (1997)
Hot Rod on the high seas!
Not that Tawny Kitaen ever had much of a film career, but this seemed to officially mark the end of it. Her acting credits dry up for about five years after this, which, if my Celebrity Rehab memory serves me correctly, was right around the time she was shacked up with that nutty southpaw and enjoying pills.
Spending time with Roddy on a boat could drive you to that? Nah, but the lack of kicking and punching in this movie would make anyone insane, so maybe that was a factor.
I mean, come on: Hot Rod doesn't star in these kinds of flicks to not connect fist to neck, so why was there so little throat-punchery during the first 70 minutes of this movie? I guess they were trying to build a "story," which was a huge mistake. They did throw in some non-Kitaen boobage, but even that was slightly tarnished by the fact that Piper's stubbly grill and frosty hair were all nuzzled up in them.
Love the Hot Rod, but I really don't need to see the dude pantsless and smooching skanks.
Still, Piper can make anything interesting, so this was far from a crapfest. He did do some light roughing-up during the first part of the movie, and the villains were pretty hilarious with their slicked-back hair and their automatic weapons that they couldn't hit anything with.
And, thankfully, this was one of those movies where they saved the good stuff for last. By the end it's just Piper against a whole team of goons, and he's running through the jungle picking them off from the tops of trees while nursing a bullet wound in his stomach. At one point he submerges himself in a small pond, and when one of the henchmen comes up to the pond looking for him, he pops out of the water and suplexes the dude. Totally worth sitting through the rest of this to see that. I rewound it and watched it again.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Rap Reiplinger - Crab Dreams (1979)
I had no idea what this was about when I bought it the other day, but I did know this: it had one of the most bizarre and creepy inside covers I'd ever seen, so I needed to dig down deep and pay the 50 cents for it. And I did.
Turns out it's a comedy record by a Hawaiian dude, who the internet tells me is the "Hawaiian John Belushi." After listening to one painful side of this, I'm wondering if they meant Jim Belushi.
It's like Cheech and Chong, but instead of having to be blazed to think this is funny, I think you have to be from Honolulu.
Check out "Piliki'a Hotline" and see if you can contain yourself. If you can't, you're probably rocking pooka shells.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Typin' N' Cryin' - A sweet fake band to listen to when you're pounding out some emotional emails.
Origin - Type me courageous.
Usage - "Oh, dude. You have been slumped over your keyboard for days now."
"Dude, I have some things I need to say to my ex-girlfriend, and I'd thank you to not judge me."
"Dude, I'm here to help. Shall I put on some Typin' N' Cryin' for you?"
"Dude, would you? That would be great."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten People I Hated at the Show I Went to Last Night:
10. The party girl who decided to wedge herself in front of me and party so hard that she almost hooked my nostril with her dirty pinky that was part of the horned hand she was thrusting skyward in a partying manner
09. The guy with the ponytail/bun thing on top of his head who was snapping instead of clapping (I swear these are all real)
08. The guy who knew the one song and waited for it and then yelled along with it but was too hammered to remember the words or deliver it with even the slightest semblance of rhythm
07. The woman behind me who tapped me on the shoulder mid-song to ask me to move so she could take a picture
06. The high-school dude who was fingering his girlfriend and thinking no one saw it. I saw that shit, bro
05. The high-school dude who frantically packed his pipe as soon as the song about weed was being performed, because you could tell he thought it would be super tight to blaze chron during the chron-blazing number
04. The Irish dude with the size 8 hat, size 6 skull, and size idiot dreads
03. The high-school dude who stage-dived on top of one of the chicks he was with and she totally was not prepared for his oafish dismount
02. The couple where the guy was just tall enough and the girl was just short enough that when she got on his shoulders and they stood behind me she was dangle-kicking me right between the shoulder blades
01. Probably you if you were there. I hate everybody
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