Gome of the Week
Am I officially an old codger because I think this guy is a huge dumbass?
Nah. I calls 'em like I sees 'em.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
How A Senior League Hockey Fight Ended With One Player Pooping In An Opponent's Glove - Props to EA for this one. Best amateur athletics story ever.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Santa Claws (1996)
A front-of-the-box endorsement from Joe Bob Briggs is basically like the Oprah's Book Club sticker of B-movie slasher films, except way more common and somehow, a whole lot less discerning. But, it's the stamp of quality that lets you know you can expect two things: boobs and blood.
Santa Claws did not disappoint on either front, with loads of gratuitous Christmas-themed top-and-bottomlessness and multiple instances of a dude dressed as Santa death-poking unsuspecting victims with a handheld, three-pronged garden claw. (As per usual, that cover is waaaaay off.)
This movie stars Debbie Rochon, who is apparently a veteran of many Troma films, so I'm sure Biff is very familiar with her work. By sheer odds, most of us should be, because she has an astounding 196 acting credits to her name. By my count, she made 36 movies in the last two years alone.
In a story straight out of the Don't Open Till Christmas playbook, the main dude in this story sees his mom banging a guy in a Santa hat when he's a kid, ices them both, and has trouble shaking the incident even when he reaches adulthood. But instead of killing random people, this dude obsesses over a B-movie "scream queen," stalking her with her complete cooperation (she routinely invites him over to hang out) and maintaining a shrine to her in his home, complete with a real-doll-style top-half that he special ordered from her fan club or something.
Yes, it makes little sense. It's basically all a smokescreen to put as many naked chicks in the movie as possible, because Raven (Rochon, the stalkee) is fliming a holiday-themed skin-flick with a bunch of other girls. Half this movie is spent documenting the girls of that film and their nakedness. The other half is spent following Wayne (the stalker) as he jabs people with his gardening tool and haphazardly mis-recites popular Christmas stories.
And I loved all of it. Shaky camera work, terrible acting, an 80-minute running time: this thing had it all. Watch a cobbled-together, probably NSFW trailer here.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
The Happy Crickets - Christmas with the Happy Crickets (1967)
Continuing with the off-brand Chipmunks imitators, I've unearthed this unlistenable gem which, just like last week's Woody the Woodchuck offering, actually contains "The Chipmunk Song."
But this time, instead of just flat-out copying it, the "Crickets," who spend the entire rest of this album singing in the high-pitched affected voice you'd expect, do "The Chipmunk Song" in their normal voices, which sound like some old ladies who almost know the words, and where they don't they add some iffy improv.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
your appearance is comical to me - A sweet way to clown someone's appearance in a confusingly dignified manner.
Origin - Martin Prince.
Usage - "Oh, dude. You have chocolate milk stains all over your Santa suit."
"Oh, no dude. That's baby diarrhea."
"Dude, your appearance is comical to me."
"Dude, it's not as funny from where I'm smelling."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Ornaments On My Christmas Tree:
10. A lock of Loretta Switt's hair in a hermetically sealed test tube
09. My first dirty needle
08. A crude sculpture of Santa blazing a doob
07. Mini snow globe with an SVU-style crime scene inside it
06. One of those green candy canes that tastes like an air freshener
05. A chain of my spent shell casings
04. Photo collage of Bea Arthur's finest moments from the Star Wars Holiday Special
03. Large ball with "1984" on it and a painting of Satan choking out Mrs. Claus
02. Figurine of an elf union leader striking
01. The Noid in full Santa gear stomping on a mistletoe pizza
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