Gome of the Week
Do not go out into the snowy woods this winter.
An old bearded dude will track you down and kill you.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
I'll give it to Jeff Fahey: the dude never phones it in. And I should know: I feel like I've watched at least ten of the dude's movies over the past few years. And you know what? He's more reliable than pretty much any of the other B-movie guys I see all the time. Sorry Michael Paré - you've been outclassed.
This is another Fahey vehicle that had plenty of potential, but gets bogged down with unrelenting boringness. It costars Mia "Stop Calling Me Sloane Peterson" Sara as a mini-dressed temptress, and also features a "special appearance" by Ben Gazzara, though the guy's pretty much in the whole movie. No need to sugar-coat it, movie execs: we know the Gazz never turns down a paycheck. He didn't rack up 133 credits on IMDb by being picky. (Fahey's looking like a slouch with a lean 122.)
If the Blind Fury-esque cover didn't tip you off, Fahey gets his vision-impairment on in this flick, though I think it's kind of unfair to base the title on it, because he's really only blind for about ten minutes. Early in the movie a shady dealing goes bad, and Frank (Fahey) gets shot in the back-of-the-neck area, which inexplicably renders him blind for a few weeks. He bolts to Mexico to avoid the guys who tried to off him (he didn't give them money he was supposed to hand over), which is where he meets the mysterious Chandler Strange (Sara, whose name I'm assuming is a Raymond Chandler reference, because this thing is a noir-fest), a smokin'-hot yahtzee who is a little too interested in a bandaged-up blind dude.
From there it's a tale of who's-playing-who, and we find out Frank is an ex-cop (of course), and Miss Strange may not be all she claims (no shit?). The dude who played Lebowski's landlord also makes a sweet appearance as - and get this - a greasy low-life.
This movie was done by the same guy who wrote and directed the Bacon-on-a-bike classic Quicksilver, so the guy kind of knows what he's doing. His biggest mistake was assuming anyone would care about these hollow, pointless characters. Still, I enjoy an artsy movie with some temporary disabilities as much as the next guy, so this wasn't too rough to lay on the couch through.
View the trailer here and watch Fahey glisten.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Bob "Benson" Guillaume - "I Who Have Nothing"/"The Streets are Filled with Dancing" (1978)
Hey, your zipper's exposing your gold chain there, Bob.
This is a gem. I'm sure a lot of you are too young to remember Benson, and I'm too young to remember Soap, which is where the character originated - and the angle they're using to push this two-song 12" - but Robert Guilluame was a big deal for a while. (He goes by "Bob" here to let you know that he's down to get coked up and stinky in that leather jacket.) I may treasure this record forever. And yes, that's a tomato on the bottom left there. It was released by the Tomato Music Company.
Take a listen to the weeeeeird title track here.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
helobious - A sweet variation on "hilarious."
Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm so glad football season is over."
"Why? So you can stop greasing yourself up in your team colors with that greasy grease paint you use?"
"Dude, there's nothing helobious about it."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten "White Trash"-Related Searches That Brought People to This Site Recently (For Real):
10. "white trash girls"
09. "hot white trash"
08. "white trash sex"
07. "hot white chicks"
06. "hot white trash girl"
05. "white trash chicks"
04. "hot white wife"
03. "white trash wife"
02. "white trash haircut"
01. "Linda Fiorentino"
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