02.08.12

Gome of the Week
I heard that in a crazy twist ending she turns out to be one of the dudes' moms.

Is that true?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Chris Crinkle Fanbase - Terrible tattoos and some of the best comments ever.

 

 

This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Caged in Paradiso (1990)

I've claimed flagrant false advertising on many a VHS cover, but this is one of the most egregious examples in recent memory: Irene Cara isn't even in this movie.

Just kidding. She is. But, none of those other lovely ladies are. And while this movie technically takes place in a prison, it's not like the one they're depicting over there. Not only are there not prositutes behind bars, there aren't even bars. It's one of those futuristic prison islands where they cast off convicts and hope they just sort it all out amongst themselves. So even the title is a lie. Paradiso is the name of the island, but there are literally no cages on it.

So, not surprisingly, this ended up being one of the worst movies I've seen in a loooong time. If I hadn't had my spirits lifted by a mid-flick Big John Studd cameo, I may have beat my eyes shut with the VCR remote. And you know me: I'll plop down and sit through some serious garbage. This was on some rough-cut, half-finished, shoddy voice-over, no nudity shizz, and to top it all off, Cara rocked a brutal Hispanic (I think) accent through all of it that made listening to her talk a deeply hurtful experience. The pain still resonates.

Eva (Cara) is married to a shithead who plays getaway driver to some revolutionary who bombs the shit out of a building. He gets caught, and he's sentenced to spend the rest of his life on Paradiso, an island where they send the worst of the worst and hope that they eat each other. Eva, a subservient goon, finds some weird loophole that allows her to accept the same sentence and accompany her husband to the island. She explains it by saying that she has "no one left here, not even any cousins." Yes, it all makes sense.

When they get plane-dropped to the island it's man vs. woman mayhem, and Eva gets separated from her choadboy husband and befriended by Queenie, the leader of the leopard-skin-bikini-clad fightin' ladies. Then they show her their sweet huts, teach her to use a bow and arrow, and fashion her her very own sideboob-exposing ensemble. From there, things deteriorate into a bunch of mini-wars that I think are supposed to convince us that Eva is no longer a tool and can take care of herself. Most of these scenes start and never finish. At one point she's all of a sudden being stared down by a huge snake and right when it's getting close they cut away and never come back to it.

Yes, it's hard to believe that this was Irene Cara's last starring role in a movie. Cue the now-ironic Fame theme.

 

 

This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
John Sex - "Rock Your Body" (1988)

Everybody got their gay Vanilla Ice jokes out of the way? OK, good, We can move on.

These are the kind of records you find in the dollar bin and don't even think twice about buying. With hair that crispy, it's a gimme that it's going to make its way to this site.

The surprising thing about this song (this is a single with four mildly different versions of it) is how unenthused Mr. Sex sounds while he's singing over this clubtastic beat.

Whatever. It's still got a video that you'd be crazy not to watch the shit out of.

 

 

 

This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
goin' buckmild - A sweet way to declare your intentions to take it easy.

Origin - Balz McFartney.

Usage - "Oh, dude. I'm going to go out in the desert and just wolf down some peyote buttons this weekend."

"Dude, good luck finding yourself."

"Dude, you wanna come with?"

"Dude, no dice. I'm going to pick up a sixer of caffeine-free Diet Rite and just go all kinds of buckmild."

 

This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Side Effects For Women Who Dare Drink Dr. Pepper Ten:

10. Thick, coarse beard before half the can is finished
09. Sensation of testicles dropping; actually just ovaries trying desperately to escape the body
08. Strong desire to put on a thumb ring and "bro out"
07. You'll probably end up in a jeep in the jungle
06. Self-sexual-harrassment
05. When mixed with vodka, you may tell everyone to shut the hell up while you sing along with Pearl Jam's "Black"
04. Uncontrollably insist that you "get the wolfpack together" so you can "hit the town and crush puss"
03. Ear hair
02. Your voice may drop an octave. But you'll have a dick by that point, so whatevs, right?
01. Tourette's of the Will-Ferrell-movie-quotes variety

 

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