Gome of the Week
The scariest part was when I realized I'll never get those 12 hours back.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Nikita Koloff for Christ - Even if you have no idea who this is, the Flash intro when you first visit this page is worth a refresh or two.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Making Contact (1985)
This is the second early Roland Emmerich movie I've watched (the other being Week 359's Moon 44), and now I'm sure my theory is true: in the 80's, they let people learn how to make movies by actually making movies.
This one was 71 minutes long.
All the dialogue was overdubbed, the story made sense only if you tilted your head a bit and only remembered what happened in the previous 45 seconds, and somehow, in the midst of all of this, the special effects weren't that shitty.
I think this is supposed to be a movie for kids...? I was all riled up to make a bunch of "I liked this movie better the first time, when it was called E.T." cracks, because in the first 30 minutes of this thing, it feels like a shot-for-shot remake. Then it takes a weird turn, introduces a sinister ventriloquist's dummy, and all bets are off. So, I guess it's more like E.T. meets Saw. And who wouldn't want to watch the shit out of that?
I'm fairly certain no one in this movie ever worked again.
Quick plot summary: Joey (of course that's the kid's name) comes home after his dad's funeral (great way to start a family film!) to find his toys going wild and his red plastic phone (what is he, zero?) ringing. Turns out his dad's on the horn. Later, he finds the dummy in an abandoned house, and is informed by said dummy that that is not his dad, but the ventriloquist who used to have his hand up the dummy's ass.
During all of this, Joey also discovers that he has mystical powers, which he uses to impress this girl he likes and to exact revenge on bullies who have been steady clowning him on account of his whole "dead dad" situation. I mean, what a loser, right? "Way to not have a dad, No Dad!"
And, Darth Vader is somehow in this movie. I don't even know.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Equitable Savings Presents - Blazermania (1977)
Picked up a sweeeeet copy of this at a really sad and confusing garage sale last weekend. I got the feeling I was buying this girl's ex-boyfriend's records or something. Not that I give a shit.
Anyway, it's Bill Schonely sharing radio highlights and interviewing a stoned-out-of-his-gourd Bill Walton, so it rules.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
straight to YouTube - A sweet way to refer to a shitty, shitty movie or show. It's the new "straight to video."
Usage - "Oh, dude. What are you watching?"
"Dude, it's the new Steven Seagal TV show where he hunts for suitable ponytail extensions."
"Dude, that's on TV?"
"Nah, dude. Straight to YouTube."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Things to Say When You Run Into Someone You Know While Shopping at the Butt Plug Warehouse:
10. "I didn't know you dug plugs."
09. "Here for a plug? Maybe one that goes up your butt?"
08. "Don't tell my pastor."
07. "Nope, no beads here. Just butt plugs."
06. "I actually think the tie-dyed one matches your free spirit."
05. "Me? Oh, not much. Just picking out a new butt plug."
04. "I hope I'm not being too forward, but you might wanna think about investing in some needle-nosed pliers."
03. "Hey, can you hand me that vat of plug grease?"
02. "Yeah, I used to have a big black butt plug. It wouldn't fit in the dishwasher so I got a more compact model."
01. "I wonder what kind of butt-plug discounts the employees of Butt Plug Warehouse get. They probably all have a ton of really sweet butt plugs."
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