Gome of the Week
And every autotuner in America just jizzed all over their laptop.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Long Haired Businessmen - "Conference Call" - For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, this is the funniest video in the world to me right now.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Rollerblade: Start N' Stop (1991)
Fruit Boots 101!
This 15-minute video - which must have come with pairs of Rollerblades? - takes you through the rigorous steps necessary to safely sashay yourself through a public park, racking up looks of adulation and envy from people who have never seen a human being so fluid, awesome, and soon to be swimming in chicks.
Rollerblade encourages you to cover your body in Rollerblade pads, though the knee and elbow pads may only be necessary if you're going to get extreme in a half-pipe and participate in the inevitable orgy that will surely follow after the gals see you tucking your knees into your paint-splattered t-shirt and spinning around like a person who is about to do nothing but sexually conquer anyone they want to.
Turns out that if you properly want to use your inline skates, you're going to need to "start," "stop," and "wear two condoms because one is bound to break from all the tail you'll be pulling." I thought that one was a little weird, but it's actually quite a responsible message, so I'd like to doff my cap to the good people at Rollerblade for not being afraid to talk about the real issues facing "'bladers" today.
See you guys at the skate park! (I'll be the one buried in babes.)
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Polynesian Cultural Center - Invitation to Paradise (1979)
I can't tell if this is something they sell you when you get to Hawaii, or if it's something that is supposed to encourage you to go to Hawaii.
Either way, it is filled with ancient tales, some sweet percussion, and chanting that is bound to impress even the most cultured and articulate tourist from the Bible belt.
Now can I get "lei'd?"
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
beefseeker missile - A sweet way to refer to something that is destined for a dude's groin area.
Origin - AFV, my dodgeball games, EA Sports: Soccer Fanboy.
Usage - "Oh, dude. Can you toss me that pomelo?"
"Dude, here you go. I am going to throw this oversized citrus fruit at you now."
"Dude! That pomelo just hit me in the crotch and I'm thinking about crying."
"Dude: beware the beefseeker missile."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Best Things I Saw at Portland Wrestling Uncut Tonight:
10. Dr. Kliever making "let's party in my van later" eyes at the girl that went with us
09. A dude getting power-bombed through a folding table like three feet in front of me
08. The lady sitting next to me who was genuinely concerned for the ref after he got "knocked out" during the main-event title bout: "Is this real?"
07. So many white people
06. A possibly (probably?) drunk Matt Bourne in full Doink attire, extending his hand to me, then shaking mine so hard it almost ripped my arm off, before he pulled me towards him and screamed "Are you ready to be entertained?"
05. Me trembling and saying "Yes?" to that question
04. The girl selling merch with her baby next to her in a playpen
03. The Grappler doling out justice with his "loaded boot"
02. Rowdy Roddy Piper telling a story about seeing Macho Man Randy Savage shaving his own ass (seriously)
01. Lots of "uncut" action in the dude's bathroom, if you catch my drift
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