Gome of the Week
A press release was sent out today regarding Mike Patton's involvement in, of all things, the Crank 2 soundtrack. It then went on to casually mention, you know, in passing, that FAITH NO MORE IS REUNITING!

And according to this article, it's true.

The rub: they won't be playing any shows in the US.

I am overwhelmed with a myriad of emotions right now, ranging from utter elation to extreme rage.

Bear with me.




This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Rolcats - English translations of Eastern Bloc Lolcats.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Stark (1985)

Oh, Marilu Henner in 1985. Fresh outta Taxi, still smokin' hot, and already reduced to made-for-TV movies.

"Stark" refers to Sgt. Evan Stark, the cool guy on the left there. He's a hard drinkin' cop (aren't they all?) from Kansas who has headed out to Vegas to attempt to track down his chorus line dancer sister (played by the low-talker from Seinfeld), who he suspects is in trouble. She is, and he soon finds himself wrapped up in police business. But he's out of his jurisdiction!

He teams up with local cop Lieutenant Ron Bliss (played by Dennis "I'll Be There When the Check Clears" Hopper), who helps him with some hot police tips and tries to keep this renegade Stark in line. Good luck!

Henner plays Ashley Walters, a former roomate of Stark's sister who likes to deal blackjack and have sex with a lot of guys. Hit me again, I'll double down on that deal! If these two can just find a way to get along, they might be able to find out who's behind Stark's sister's disapperance, and they might also go ahead and bone down after having known each other for 12 hours.

When he finds out his sister is dead, Stark says "I'm gonna miss her," and then he and Ashley start kissing and he's over it. All in a day's work for this flask-wielding loose cannon. I'm dying to see the sequel starring Kirstie Alley. Seriously.

Fun fact: Michael Champion, who had a small part in One Man Out, our featured movie in week 277, also has a small role in this film. So you see, it's all connected.



This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Shure - Audio Obstacle Course–Era III (1973)

If you were a hi-fi salesman or an audiophilic asshole in the early 70's, this is the record you would annoy everyone with after you had done too much coke. It's designed to test the "trackability" of your turntable's cartridge; that is, "its ability to stay in contact with the groove modulations over a wide range of frequencies and intensities."

This involves a guy with the most milquetoast voice in history popping in and out of your left and right channels and sporadically playing high-pitched beeps for what feels like minutes at a time. It's some real nerd shit, and it's actually quite fascinating. It could also drive you completely crazy if you were one of those obsessive types. I wonder how may high rollers de-seeded their weed on the cover of this thing while they tried to perfectly balance their speakers...



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
gooned on the juice - A sweet way to describe somebody who's acting like they have 'roid rage.

Origin - D-Let.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Did you see the leader of dude patrol last night when he got all in my grillpiece?"

"Dude, that was untight. He did not need to feed you your own pants."

"Dude, I am still coughing up rivets and chunks of denim."

"Dude, that guy was totally gooned on the juice."



This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Things To Say To Your Salesman When Shopping For A New Car:

10. "Whoah, seatbelts! I don't think we can afford this"
09. "My wife wants a minivan, but I think I could pull more pussy in a two-seater. What say you, hoss?"
08. "How many glass dildos you figure I could fit in that middle compartment?"
07. "Whenever you're ready to take the missus into the back room to acquire our 'down payment,' you just say the word"
06. "Now, there's a coffee maker in the glove box of this one, right?"
05. "No I don't want to see any Hondas. Do I look like a Puerto Rican drag queen?"
04. "You think a small jug of Carlo Rossi would fit in that cup holder?"
03. "Do me a favor and hop in the trunk. I want to try something"
02. "This station wagon comes highly recommended by Cocaine Trafficker Magazine. I can't wait to hollow out 'dem back seats!"
01. "It better not blow a johnson rod"


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