Gome of the Week
Faithful eMusic users are mad pissed after learning their rates are going to go up and their downloads are going to go down. Why do I care? I don't.

But I know somebody who does... Hang in there, Biff. At least now you can finally get those Bruce Springsteen deep cuts you've been waiting for!





This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
World Beard & Moustache Championships 2009 - Are you all sick of my beard-related links yet? Good.



This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
Sketch Artist II: Hands That See (1995)

Finally. It took a few weeks, but this tape arrived in my mailbox. Sealed, even. What a rarity. If you need to catch yourselves up on the events of the first Sketch Artist film, you can check it out in week 294 of the Waste.

Jeff "Barely Competent Actor" Fahey is back as Jack, the police sketch artist who just can't stop being hungover. Yup, he's still scraggly. But it seems he's given up chain-smoking, so that's a small victory. Courteney "Remember When I Almost Got Flushed Down the Toilet of Hollywood" Cox showed up for this one, after Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, before Scream, and I assume during the second season of Friends.

She plays Emmy, a community college teacher who gets sexually assaulted in the first scene of the film. Just when the dude's about to cut her, her husband (played by Jonathan "Come On Guys Let's Make Weekend at Bernie's III" Silverman) comes home, and stops her from getting gutted. Upon meeting with Jack to get a sketch going, he realizes there's just one little problem: SHE'S BLIND!

Luckily, Emmy's good with her hands, and describes her attacker perfectly. But wait, how does she know she described him perfectly if she can't see the drawing (or see at all)? Therein lies the rub, my friends. Her attacker finds out she's cooperating with the police, tracks her down, almost kills her, manages to cut Jack, and then finally gets arrested on a routine traffic stop (I'm giving you the quick version here). Emmy doesn't want to testify against the fat Bible-thumper that attacked her, but she does manage to pick him out of a highly unorthodoxed face-feel lineup. She moves to Montana only to have Jack convince her to come back and help with the case. After a dramatic courtroom sketch-off that would never happen in real life, Emmy manages to put the creep behind bars.

This movie, like the original, was entertaining. Only Fahey and James "You're a Slacker, McFly" Tolkan reprise their roles (Tolkan is hilarious once again as the police Lt.), so there's barely any continuity, but it matters not. And man, I really forgot how terrible Jonathan Silverman can be if he really half-asses it. Another funny thing about these flicks: IMDb has them listed as TV Movies, and indeed this one is unrated, which would point to a lack of theatrical release. But after 45 minutes of it seeming like post-10pm television fare, Jack suddenly pipes up with a "fuck you" from out of nowhere. So, was this a TV movie? That may remain a mystery.

I'm hoping to review some more Michael Angeli-penned movies in the future. Be on the lookout.


This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Brian Protheroe - I/You (1976)

You may know Brian Protheroe from his song "Pinball," but probably not; I think it was more of a UK hit. I barely recognized it. Anyway, before I bought this record, I had no idea who this dude was, and honestly, I just picked this up because it was 50 cents and I liked the cover. Turns out this record is pretty damn swizzity.

It's like prog rock without the self-indulgence, and that's something I can get behind. Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull plays on one of the tracks, but most of the rest of the record lays off the flute and works the guitar instead.

I may have to pick up some more Protheroe. And work his last name into a rhyme.



This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
Fanta pants - A sweet way to classify a natural redhead.

Origin - You can't use "copper top" all the time.

Usage - "Oh, dude. Did I tell you I'm stalking a redhead these days?"

"Dude, that is startling for a number of reasons."

"Dude, I know, right? But when I was outside her window the other night I found out she was a true Fanta pants, so now I am hooked."

"Dude, I'll get your bail money together."


This Week's Top Ten List

The Top Ten Signs You're Unfit To Be Captaining A Boat:

10. You've got a buoy crammed up your fat ass
09. Your favorite phrase when manning a megaphone: "The Coast Guard? Fuck 'em."
08. You keep walking around the shore offering people a ten dollar "funeral at sea, wink wink"
07. When someone asks if you have flotation devices, you point at your son and say "he'll do"
06. Your fool-proof plan: drinking vodka out of Coors Cutter cans
05. You keep asking if anyone knows the logistics of nautical crossbow laws
04. Your "first mate" is a keg of homemade Kahlua
03. You insist that flares only be used in emergencies, like if a jet skier flips you off and you need payback
02. You stand strong in your belief that boat safety is "for lesbians"
01. Your water skis are just portions of the gutters you stole from your neighbor's roof

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