Gome of the Week
NBC: You are shortening my laying-on-the-couch-on-Thursday-nights time by a half hour. Drop this zero and get with the Parks and Rec. Pronto.
This Week's Link That's Probably Not That Great
Minimalistic Album Covers - Breaking shit down. Way down.
This Week's Movie You've Probably Never Seen
You may remember a little flick called Apocalypse that I featured back in Week 355. Apparently, and I could be somewhat wrong about this, that was the first movie in a quadrilogy. This one is the fourth. If I would have known this, I might have tracked down the second and third films, because they star Jeff Fahey and Gary Busey, respectively. But, in a way, I'm glad I didn't. These movies are so batshit crazy that they're really hard to sit through.
But, when you're looking down the barrel of a cancel-one-career-era Corbin Bernsen, you can't complain. You can only revel in the desperation in his eyes and be glad you're not him. The fact that Mr. T has a fairly significant role in this movie is just the icing on the cake. Watching the two of them work is magic. Trying to stomach the plot of this propagandized mess is a losing battle, so I try to not follow the story too closely. But I will say this: the guy who plays Lucifer gives some great testimony from the witness stand.
Yeah, that's how this thing rolls. Bernsen plays a lawyer, which must be some sort of strange punishment for him not investing his LA Law dough wisely. Though I bet he never got to cross-examine the master of darkness on that show!
The one character that seems to be a constant through these movies is the blonde lady up there, who played a reporter in the first one but has somehow found her way into prison in this one. I think she ended up escaping after Bernsen's character pulled a pistol on Satan in the courtroom, but I guess the audience lost interest, because this seems to be the end of the story. A damn shame.
And don't think there weren't Kirk Cameron-starring previews running before the feature on this thing. Because there were. Of course there were. Oh Mike Seaver. How you hath failed us.
This Week's Record You're Probably Not Listening To
Paul J. Meyer - How to Develop the Power of Enthusiasm (1964)
Turns out all you need are some bulging biceps and some solid tree-falling skills. I could have told you that. I've sung the praises of these Success Motivation Institute LPs before, but this one is currently the pride of my collection. Not only is the record in unplayed condition, but the package also contains the original 20-page reference guide, also in perfect shape. Seriously: somebody bought this thing, came to their senses, shelved it, and then it made its way into my hands 45 years later.
Now I'm wishing I had the books for the other records in this series, because this one contains illustrations of a man summoning a mushroom cloud with his mind, and another one of a guy riding a tornado which he has saddled. Now that's enthusiasm.
This Week's Hip New Slang Word or Phrase
ass factory - A sweet way to sum up something that just won't stop being crappy.
Origin - The industrial revolution. Of ass.
Usage - "Oh, dude. I just love this satellite radio subscription."
"Dude, you've got thousands of stations at your fingertips, and all you listen to is the 'slow jams' station."
"Dude, I love me some slow jams."
"Dude, that station is nothing more than an ass factory with slinky basslines."
This Week's Top Ten List
The Top Ten Rejected Axe Body Spray Scents:
10. Date Rape Power Boost
09. Extreme Homo-Denial Cool Steel
08. Breathalyzer-Beater Copper Penny
07. Butter the Toast Late Nightz
06. Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Turquoise Thunder
05. After Hours Blow Fest Icy Cool Powder
04. Whiskey Dick Peen-Thruster Cock Wash
03. Gay-Bashing Tropical Breeze
02. White Wine Shame Spiral Butterscotch
01. Chest Shave Oily Rubdown Cactus Cooler
Cancel One Career